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Friday, 18 February 2011

Bringing up Joe

I'm looking for fun things to do with Joe, Its not easy having someone else's child all the time. So many rules we have to follow, most of them plain silly!

Id say at least 5-6 times a week Joe tells us he hates us, throws a tantrum and tells us both he wants to go stay with his real mum, then it turns into why does my mum not want me. Its heartbreaking. I get through because I know he doesn't mean it and I know he loves us both. I really do hope when he is bigger he will understand. The things Joe has seen in his tiny life are unreal and I wont share them, but if you knew the half of it you would be reduced to tears!

There was a time when I was pregnant with Millie I had a breakdown, I couldn't cope, I was ill and could not leave the house as I was sick all the time. It was hard for Joe to as Lee was always at work and I was horrid, I was letting him watch movies all day and it wasn't fair on him in the least. there was one day Joe was playing up as kids do but I yelled at him and I felt so guilty I ran away to my room and cried, I couldn't stop. I rang Lee at work and asked him to come home he wouldn't. I rang my mum and she came and got Joe to give me a break. When Lee came home that night I told him what had happened and asked him to ring social work to come and lift Joe as it wasn't fair on him the way I was being, I also booked an appointment with the doctor and told Lee I couldn't go through with the pregnancy as I was going to be a bad mum. I was 23 weeks and knew I was having a girl. I'm so grateful now that I didn't ring social services and I didn't go to that appointment as my life wouldn't be what it is now.

Later on I was diagnosed with depression, I felt even lower when they told me that.

We rang social services and asked for help, they agreed to come 3 days a week and take Joe for a few hours. They took him to play centers and parks etc. He loved it but started playing up more as he knew he would get these rewards even if he played up. Emily will be 10 weeks old tomorrow, SW rang me on Tuesday to say they were coming Friday to take him out and we finally said no, we don't need it anymore, we then got told they will have to do a report as we refused help! Its so stressful, you can't win, ever!

As my pregnancy was coming to and end I was in and out of hospital as my sickness was getting so bad and my anemia even worse, I got so upset I had been in for 3 days and the Dr came in and said as I wasn't throwing up much they were sending me home, I was angry! I had thrown up non stop and nurses were not removing bowels when people came to visit they were being removed by them. I broke down and told the Dr if they didn't get the baby out of me I planned to research ways to do it myself. I didn't mean anything bad, I meant the usual, eat pineapple, sex, long walks etc. Anyway I got reported to SW as a risk, they then contacted child protection. that broke my heart. They came to me in hospital and apologised as it had been taken the wrong way and blown out of proportion. The lady could not have been nicer, such a weight had been lifted!

That was on the Thursday, just under and hour later I went to Labour suite, all systems go! 18 hours later I gave Birth to baby Emily (that's a whole other story!)

When we came home things were looking good, we moved house the day before I got started off! When I left there were boxes everywhere and it was a mess. When I came home it was exactly that, A home. It was great, Joe seemed happier, I WAS happier. Life was good. What happens next? 25th Feb that's what! Ill keep you all posted!

Kirst xxx

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